Inventory

It's time for a review of the things I believe God impressed on me over the five years regarding what He was getting ready to do.  This inventory, of sorts, has consistently been a critical step in my journey because it is so easy to get overwhelmed with the details--the details that matter and the details that don't matter. 

Over time, I have experiences like I mentioned in the last posts where I have a strong sense about something.  Sometimes I pray and ask for discernment and then something will hit me in a strange way and I just know deep down that it is related to my prayer.  Other times something just hits me in a strange way and I begin to pray after the fact that God would help me discern whether that strange sense is something I need to remember.  I'm sure it can happen in a myriad of ways, but in any case, it's easy to forget those experiences and my resolve to pay attention to them.  Periodically, I need a moment of quiet to remember and take an inventory of those things, asking God to show me the thread that joins them all together.  

Here are the moments that seem the most significant...

A kink in the hose:

At the very beginning of 2015, or even before, Mrs O and I had seen evidence of great hurt at THV.  It felt as though something had stuck--a clog, a kink in a garden hose, or a rusty spigot that just wouldn't open and let the water run.  I was looking for the source of the kink in the hose.  I felt like God was asking me to search for the source of the problem so the proverbial hose could be disconnected from the broken spigot and connected up to one that is functional.  

This is my favorite kind of work!  I love being a catalyst for change.  I love seeing the look on people's faces when they release themselves from captivity having recognized what is holding them back.  The difficult thing is realizing it is not up to me.  It is a great disappointment to see someone faced with the opportunity to be free who does not want to take it, but hope springs eternal that one day the joy of freedom will be so alluring the work of getting there will seem a small price.

Plowing the ground:

I remember some teaching I did at the beginning of the five years where I felt strongly that we needed to do some preparation as a group.  I felt like we needed to identify things that were getting in the way of our progress, as individuals and as a group.  The picture I had in my mind was a picture of a large field being harrowed or plowed up.  Each time rocks were removed until finally the ground was soft, without rocks, and ready for planting.

The pruning:

There was also a time when I felt like God was showing me that the numbers at THV would get depressingly low.  I was not to count people because I would become discouraged as God did some pruning.  Pruning need not be considered a negative thing, either for THV or those being pruned away.  It may be in some cases, and it may not be in others.  Pruning is not simply to get rid of something bad.  The purpose is to bear fruit.  The Gardener can prune a scion out of one tree and graft it into another as He sees fit.  

The purpose is to bear fruit, more fruit, better fruit.  

The pruning analogy hit me while watching a couple of videos in an attempt to learn how to graft fruit trees.  The first one kind of sets things up, but it's the second video which was so powerful to me.  Two things seemed important to me in the second video: the pruning is a hard pruning where even full, lush, green growth is pruned away to let more sunlight in, and the nurse branch is there to feed the tree during the grafting process until the grafts are ready to carry on.  The part about the nurse branch was particularly striking to me.  It was very sudden.  Final.  Like when you're watching a dramatic movie and all of the sudden something is revealed.  

The sound track stops.

Everything moves in slow motion for a moment while you absorb what you've just learned.

It was like that.  I just didn't really understand what I'd just learned, yet.

If you want to watch the videos, they are short and the links are below.  If the links fail to work, do a search for "Dave Wilson Nursery grafting" and I hope you'll find these two videos:

How to Graft a Fruit Tree

Tree Grafting 6 Month Follow-Up

Finish with planting:

I attended a Bible study at another church one day.  A lady who attended our church was enjoying attending this study and she wondered if it would be interesting to me for our church, so I went with her one day.  After the prayer time at the end of the study, a young woman came up to me and told me that during the prayer time she felt like God gave her three words for me: heal, restore, plant.

Why is 'plant' at the end?  The order of the words seemed significant in that moment.  But, planting seems like the beginning of something, not the end.  It didn't occur to me until much later that these words were so compatible with the picture of the field being plowed.  This was a season of preparation.  We were preparing to plant.

Two trains:

I had a dream one day that I was on two trains at once--not inside the trains, but riding on top of two trains with my right foot on an old rusty steam engine and my left foot on a sleek white fast-looking train with shiny bluish green windows.  They were going the same speed and I felt no urgency until I saw up ahead there was a tunnel.  In my dream, I knew in my mind that I could not go through the tunnel on both trains. I had to move.  I picked up my right foot and put both feet on the new sleek white train, and when I looked down the old rusty steam train had disintegrated into a cloud of rusty dust.  It was completely gone.

A new thing: 

I got several words that God was doing a "new" thing, that it was ideal that I was not trained formally as a pastor as I may be resistant to the "new" thing if I had been formally trained.  These words came from folk inside the church and outside as they prayed for me, often these people did not know each other or have any knowledge that another person had prayed and sensed similar things.  There were many times I felt unable to carry on, and these words kept me alive during some very difficult parts of the five years.

I've mentioned it before, but since we're doing an inventory I need to mention that I felt strongly that this season was a 5-year season.  More specifically, I knew I had a vision for my role at THV for the calendar years 2015-2019.  After the grafting and pruning word I felt strongly that I was not to complain about how it was going until the five years were up.  My job was to live as transparently as possible.  I was to share what God was doing in me and not worry about 'success' but simply do what I felt led to do.  God and I had an appointment to discuss how things had been going at the end of the five years, on December 31, 2019 at midnight.

I'm sure there are more, but this is just an abbreviated inventory.  The last bit I'll share didn't really feel like "a word" at the time, but looking back it clearly was a rhema word.  THV leaders were at a retreat mid-September 2019 and I shared some of the things in this inventory with the group.  I specifically shared the part about the five years.  I'm not sure I had shared that before.  I remember telling them how I looked forward to my meeting with God at midnight on December 31 and how I was going to tell him everything I had been holding back, "Except," I remember saying, "I have a feeling, by the time we get there, I'll know more about the next season and it won't be as difficult a conversation as it now seems."

This is just one in a series of stories about the events of the last year.  If you would like to start at the beginning, go back and read about The Five Years.

Florida-phobia

August 2019--I got a call from my friend who was moving to Sarasota.  She hadn't moved yet, but she was making preparations and she had some questions.  Her job involved opening a new facility and she asked if I would take a look at the architectural drawings.  I was happy to do it.  I love these kinds of projects!  "By the way," she added "if you've reconsidered applying for the job, this is the time to send in your resume!"  

I talked to Mrs. O again.  Again, the timeline.  And now the questions: am I holding myself to some artificial obligation that only exists in my head?  Everyone around me at work knows I have wanted a job change for a long time.  They must think I'm crazy for not taking this job.  Why am I still here?  Am I afraid of something?

 

I don't really like Florida that much, anyway.

I was afraid of alligators.  I was afraid of sharks.  I was afraid of stingrays.  I was afraid of hurricanes.  I was afraid of poisonous spiders.  But most of all, I was afraid of poisonous snakes.  You know that little rhyme about "a friend of Jack" that tells you how to tell a poisonous snake from a harmless one?  Well, I never bothered to really figure it out because if I see a snake that MIGHT be poisonous, I'm not going to examine him closely enough to determine which kind he really is!  I'm going to run away!

But, here's the thing. . . I want to be where I am supposed to be.  But, how do you know?  Mrs. O and I talked about the timeline.  Is it possible the 5 years is over?  Was it supposed to be approximately five years?  When did the five years start anyway?  I had begun taking on the new role in August of 2014 even though the official position started in January 2015. . . could the 5 years be over in August?

I prayed again.  I thought back to the time when I had the strong sense that this was a five year job.  When I consider how I felt at that time, I try to remember as accurately as I can how I felt and what exactly I sensed was going to happen.  It seems impossible to remember the tiny details, but in these cases, it seems if I pray about it, I always seem to remember just a few of the most important details.  Writing these things down in a journal also helps!  I remember distinctly, the end of the five years feeling like it would come on December 31.  I don't really know how or why I remember that particular detail--I just prayed and asked and He answered.   

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:5 (NIV)

The five years were 2015-2019.  I knew in my heart these were the five years and I would not feel free to move on until the end of the calendar year.  At church, the leaders had just begun a Bible study together: Experiencing God.  It was turning out to be a great study and I was really enjoying it.  It's funny--the lessons in the study were all about asking God to show you what he is about to do and follow Him into it.  Each lesson seemed to help me along the way through these months as Mrs. O and I struggled to discern the best way forward.

Mrs. O had similar feelings to mine and she added that if God was about to do something amazing in the next couple of months, she didn't want to run away and miss it.

So, I declined Florida, again.

This is one in a series of stories about the events of this last year.  If you want to start at the beginning, read about The Five Years. . . or go to the next one Inventory.

Broken Chains

Toward the end of July 2019 I was looking forward to a professional meeting which was to take place in the middle of September.  I had submitted a project for presentation and was waiting for news of its acceptance.  I had a strong sense that this meeting may be significant to my job search in some way--a weird strong sense that on the surface didn't seem like it should amount to much, but it did.  I was so convinced of the significance of this particular event that I had made a paper chain to count the days until the meeting. . . or, rather, the impending relief I was convinced would be coincident.

"For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false.  Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay."  Habakkuk 2:3

In church one Sunday we were singing a song about being free--free from all the things that hold us back.  On the power point displaying the words was a background picture, a meme-like picture, of a person standing with arms out and broken chains.  I thought to myself, "That looks like a paper chain."  And all at once this thought hit me.  

My paper chain is holding me back.  

Not really my paper chain, but the expectation it represented.  The expectation that life, or God, or someone owed something to me and it was due in the middle of September.  I can't convey in words how transforming it was to let go of the expectation.  I knew deep down at my core that I had taken something real and significant and I had deformed it.  I had attached an expectation to the strong sense of the significance of the middle of September--an expectation about what kind of significance it would be.  I was counting on meeting someone at the meeting with a job offer, some news of a job opportunity, or some other new beginning.  I HAD to get to that meeting to meet that someone. . . maybe.  

This feels like a good time to mention that a good deal of prayer and reflection is needed to discern the difference between the 'weird strong sense' that turned out to be something important and the expectation that turned out to be a burdensome limitation.  Two thoughts on this: the real thing, the strong sense--when it has turned out to be truly significant--has always been repeated multiple times in different ways.  This repetition has confirmed the significance to me and it brings an overwhelming sense of peace even in the face of many unknown details.  I have begun to pay particular attention when I find myself having a strong sense multiple times related to the same event or decision.  I find it important to pay attention to the practical aspects of what I'm sensing--what I believe I am supposed to do--as well as the more abstract things--how do I feel about this, and what fear do I have.  

The misplaced expectation comes with an anxiety, a tension, a fear that my hope will be dashed if it proves false.  Sometimes, like this particular time, it came with a sense that I had to get to that meeting to make this thing happen, that is to say, bring the relief I wanted so badly.

But here's the catch: I realized I had deformed the real thing by adding the expectation.  When I realize I have made a mistake like this, I have to go back to the point where I felt the strong sense that this timing would be significant, the substance of the 'strong sense' was only that something significant would happen and it seemed like it might be related to my job.  

Back to the song, and the power point with the man in the picture with the broken paper chain at his wrists. . . it felt like God was showing me He needed to own the paper chain--the expectations, and the timeline--and I wanted Him to own the paper chain.  I didn't want my expectations to own me anymore.

At the end of July--I don't remember the exact day--I got a response from the professional meeting that my project had been rejected.  I was devastated.  How will my relief come now?  There really was no foreseeable reason for me to attend the meeting.  I cancelled my plans.  I asked a friend to pray for me.  As we customarily do when we pray for each other, this friend told me later on that when he prayed he felt like God gave him "45 days" for me.  He counted out the 45 days and the 45th day was September 13.  He told me that he believed that day would be significant for me--that something would happen on September 13 which would impact me in a big way.  He also said that he didn't know that I would be aware of these events on September 13, but that later on someone would say "and 'this' happened on September 13" and then I would know that this was God moving something along for me.

So, I took down my paper chain.

This is number 2 in a series of stories about the events of the last year.  If you would like to start at the beginning, go back and read about The Five Years. . . or go to the next one: Florida-phobia.

The Five Years

There is so much to tell.  I can barely believe all that has happened in the past year\nor that it all fit in such a short time.  It's not an easy story to tell as there are little strings that connect between events sometimes separated by quite a bit of time.  I'm going to try to tell it, though, in hopes that it will encourage the faith of any who read or hear of it.  I'm not writing to explain myself or others to any naysayers or critics.  There are, and will be, critics.  I'm writing to encourage those who prayed alongside me. . . us, as a church family. . . and fill in any details that may have value in the retelling.  

"The Light shines on in the darkness, and the darkness did not understand it or overpower it or appropriate it or absorb it [and is unreceptive to it]."  John 1:6 (AMP)

This past weekend was the first weekend in several decades that The Highland Vineyard (THV) was not operating in any capacity, under any name.  It was also the first weekend that The Rock Vineyard began operating in a new capacity.  The stories of the past year culminate in those two statements, more or less.  As there are many parts, I'll tell them one at a time, as best I can.

It's tough to know where exactly to start, but I'll start on July 8, 2019.  I got a call from a colleague.  She said, "Aaron, I just took a job in Sarasota, Florida.  I want you to come with me."  I was looking for a job change, and had been praying for relief at work for quite some time--several years, in fact.  I enjoyed working with this friend of mine.  I was sad to hear she would be leaving, however, I had very specific reasons for looking for a job change without a location change.  

January 1, 2015 I officially took on the pastor role at THV.  The first 6 months were perhaps the most difficult months of my life.  In May, after only 5 months, I considered resigning due to a barage of criticism.  I am eternally grateful for Duane, my mentor, pastor, and a father to me in many ways, and for the leading of the Spirit which Duane helped me discern.  In the course of my ardent prayers in those first few months, I felt the Spirit of God impress on me a sense that there would be a difficult season ahead which would require steadfast commitment to seek wisdom from God and follow it without looking at outward signs of success.  

This revelation came on the heels of a decision I had made to begin counting attendees at church, seeking feedback from visitors, etc.  I just felt something very dark about that decision, which on the surface seemed so sensible.  I felt very strongly that God was offering a revelation of the timeline.  I told Mrs. O.  that I believed we were in a season that would last five years.  My job would be to seek wisdom from God and do my best to follow it, and there was a very distinct impression that I was not to complain about how it was going, and God would give me what I needed as I followed.

These revelatory thoughts and impressions came amidst words and prayers from family and friends who knew nothing of the thoughts inside my head.  I got several words of encouragement that I needed to trust God and I would go through a season of "flying blind" and that we were "building roots."  I got words during my prayer time about "plowing the ground" and removing the rocks--preparing the soil.  I also remember a prayer time when God prompted me to remember and consider the experience we had at a previous church where we watched a transformation over the course of five years.  I didn't hear any voices, but if I put words to the distinct impression I got as I prayed about resigning from this new position, those words would be, 

"This is a five-year job."

So, on July 8, 2019 when I got the phone call about Sarasota, I politely thanked my friend for the call and told her I would talk to my wife.  Mrs. O. responded, "how does this fit with your timeline?" referring to the five years.  

"I know," I said, "it's just not the right time."

Knowing how life works out in unexpected ways, we prayed about it anyway, but after a short consideration, I declined to apply.  I didn't ask about the timeline for Sarasota. . . didn't even think of it.  I was sure one of the other opportunities currently in front of me would turn out to be the right one.  In any case, I had an appointment with God at midnight on December 31, 2019.  I was going to stay up until midnight and pray, telling Him how things had been going, and asking about the next season.  

It would be the end of the five years.

This is one in a series of stories about the events of the last year.  If you want, go to the next one: Broken Chains.

The Awakening

It was the summer following my freshman year of college, way back in the 1900's, as my boys would say.  I was living in Boston and attending Northeastern University as a criminal justice major.  I was attracted to NU for their coop program, but not for their location!  I am from the country a little farther north, and I was not happy with big city living.

I was also at a place in life where things were changing internally.  My parents had divorced only a couple of years earlier, which prompted me to begin asking some questions.

Big questions.

I had grown up in church.  I would like to say I was full of faith, but in retrospect, I was full of religion and somewhat unfamiliar with faith.  The big questions I began to ask and the answers I found prompted me to distance myself from the religion which had become so familiar.  I was unable to separate my faith from my religion at that point, so I packed God in a box and left him to collect dust in the attic of my soul with all the other stuff I didn't need anymore.

I was working at my first coop job as a criminal justice major.  I was a security guard at a local hospital.  It is not my favorite of my work experiences.  It's not now, and it wasn't then!  Life was expensive, even at my low standard of living as a student.  At my regular rate of pay, I was not going to be able to make my housing payment for the quarter and I needed a plan.

Maybe this is the right moment to say how significant desperation has been in my life.  It has really worked to my advantage in many ways.  My moments of desperation have been some of the most difficult, most transformative, and oddly, some of the most encouraging moments of my life.

Desperation led to an awakening I didn't realize I was longing to experience.

This was one of those very difficult, transformative, and encouraging moments--maybe I should say seasons instead of moments.

It didn't happen all at once.

In any case, I prayed an emergency prayer, in case there really was a God and he could hear me from the attic . . . in case he really had a plan.  After all, if there really was a God with a plan, being his plan it was likely a good one.  I prayed one of the most significant prayers of my life, though I had no idea how significant it would turn out to be.

I don't remember my exact words, but it went something like this,

"God, if you are there and if you have a plan, I want to know what it is, and I'll go along with it."

This would turn out to be one of the most significant things I have ever done.

In my head, I was using a little bit of reverse psychology, because I was convinced God's plan would involve me going back up north to the country where I wanted to be.  I was sure God would not want me to stay in the city being so expensive and such, but as silly as it sounds, I didn't want to bias his opinion, so I just kept that little secret to myself.

I knew diligence was virtuous, so I worked hard.  I had myself convinced that when I worked hard and still could not pay for my rent, this would be the sign I was seeking that it was time to go home.  I knew just how this was going to go.  So, I worked.  I took all the extra hours I could at this security job.  I worked weekends, the midnight shift, and a double shift on the fourth of July earning the extra hourly rate for taking these less than desirable shifts.  I increased my earnings a lot and didn't have any time to spend any of it.  I would sometimes get up before it was light and work through the day and return in the dark just before the train stopped running.

Somewhere toward the end of July it was time for me to pay my bill.  I wasn't going to have enough.  I had been putting money toward the housing bill all summer and I took my paycheck following the fourth of July holiday.  I had even called the office and asked them to extend the deadline until payday, which they did.  But even with the extra paycheck I was going to be short.  When I got my paycheck, I was discouraged to find it was less than I had thought it should be.  I had not received the extra holiday pay for the fourth of July because it was on a Saturday and the hospital observed the holiday on Friday--a day I had not worked.  I was devastated.  I mean, I KNEW it was going to go this way, but I was still disappointed.  In total, I was nearly $500 short.

My planning and diligence had failed.

However, when I went to my PO Box to pick up the mail, I had a surprise waiting for me.  I had a letter from an attorney in my hometown.  He was the trustee of a scholarship I had received the year before.  He told me no one had applied for the scholarship that year.  The scholarship was supposed to be for first-year students, but he hated to think no one would use it.  He sent it to me.  The check was $500.

When I went to the housing office to pay my bill, I had enough to cover my bill with $9.27 left over.  With my school meal plan and my rent being paid, I didn't have much extra but, I had everything I needed.  This was the first time I began to separate my faith from my religion.  It was the first time I dared to believe

God had a plan, and it was a good one.

Going with the Flow

Rolling with the punches has never come easily for me.  I'm more naturally a planner.  An analyzer.  I like spreadsheets.  I like data.  I don't like to rely on feeling, and I don't like to change the plan.

I remember the first time I realized how lucky I am to have Kelly on my team.  We were just a family of three at that time.  We were flying somewhere and little E was very small.  One of our flights was cancelled by the time we go to our connecting airport and we were stuck.  We had a good plan.  We had chosen our flights around nap time and lunch time and all the other times that are of critical importance in the life of a toddler.  I was devastated to see my good plan swirling around the drain.

I told Kelly the news and I braced for her face to fall.  Except it didn't.  Her face lit up and she said, 

"Oh good!  Now we have time for frozen yogurt!"

There are so many things about life that look like unnecessary and inconvenient diversions to me at first glance.  This was perhaps the first time I realized planning was not the only thing that mattered.  I realized God was trying to teach me how to put my plan aside and go with the flow.  I began to see that in unexpected twists and turns you can find opportunities if you know where and how to look.  More and more, I find life is made of twists and turns and sometimes "diversions" are more necessary than they first appear.

This past summer, I found myself working at an office about 70 miles from my home.  With no interstates close by it took me about an hour and a half to wind along the hilly country road to work.  I made the trip twice a week most weeks, I did as much work from home as I could, and the rest of my week was occupied by work closer to home.

One afternoon I found my work delayed waiting on others to complete their portions before I could continue.  With a 90-minute drive ahead of me I didn't love the idea of sitting around for a few more hours with nothing to do before completing my work and driving home.  My colleagues and manager were very accommodating and I easily got permission to head home early and work remotely in the evening when the work was ready for me.  I headed home before 3 pm.

Part of the way home, I wondered if I had made a poor choice in leaving so early.  Was I being irresponsible?  I had made a habit of calling my grandmother on the ride home, but this was an unusual time for the trip and I didn't get her.  I filled the time praying about my day and whether I had fouled everything up.

Most of the way home, I came to the spot where I could see the beltway around the city up ahead, and I saw a fire engine crossing on the overpass above just as I approached the ramp.  Selfishly, I hoped the engine was not an indication of trouble on my route.  The fire truck came down the exit just as I slowed to the ramp and in the nick of time I turned up the ramp as it pulled up just behind me.  On the ramp I passed several motorcycles, one turned on its side, rider laying flat on the ground.  It appeared the bike had come off the beltway through a guardrail, passed through the grassy area, crossed the ramp and crashed.

It occurred to me that if I had come through only moments later I would be stuck in the traffic I could now see off to my left as I entered the beltway and continued home without delay.  I had one of those moments when it seems God downloads something to my understanding just as though he were sitting next to me.  I don't hear any voice or words or anything like that.  It's more of a gut feeling, but if I put words to the gut feeling, it would go something like this, "I'm coordinating things around you, not only for your safety, but also for your convenience."

In the months since that time I have changed jobs, we have been in the middle of a significant transition at church, and we have watched a virus envelope the earth.  In all of it, there have been so many experiences that baffle the mind with their synchrony.  I am convinced, more than ever, that God is always working to bring good from the chaos.  

Until next time . . .