Broken Chains

Toward the end of July 2019 I was looking forward to a professional meeting which was to take place in the middle of September.  I had submitted a project for presentation and was waiting for news of its acceptance.  I had a strong sense that this meeting may be significant to my job search in some way--a weird strong sense that on the surface didn't seem like it should amount to much, but it did.  I was so convinced of the significance of this particular event that I had made a paper chain to count the days until the meeting. . . or, rather, the impending relief I was convinced would be coincident.

"For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false.  Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay."  Habakkuk 2:3

In church one Sunday we were singing a song about being free--free from all the things that hold us back.  On the power point displaying the words was a background picture, a meme-like picture, of a person standing with arms out and broken chains.  I thought to myself, "That looks like a paper chain."  And all at once this thought hit me.  

My paper chain is holding me back.  

Not really my paper chain, but the expectation it represented.  The expectation that life, or God, or someone owed something to me and it was due in the middle of September.  I can't convey in words how transforming it was to let go of the expectation.  I knew deep down at my core that I had taken something real and significant and I had deformed it.  I had attached an expectation to the strong sense of the significance of the middle of September--an expectation about what kind of significance it would be.  I was counting on meeting someone at the meeting with a job offer, some news of a job opportunity, or some other new beginning.  I HAD to get to that meeting to meet that someone. . . maybe.  

This feels like a good time to mention that a good deal of prayer and reflection is needed to discern the difference between the 'weird strong sense' that turned out to be something important and the expectation that turned out to be a burdensome limitation.  Two thoughts on this: the real thing, the strong sense--when it has turned out to be truly significant--has always been repeated multiple times in different ways.  This repetition has confirmed the significance to me and it brings an overwhelming sense of peace even in the face of many unknown details.  I have begun to pay particular attention when I find myself having a strong sense multiple times related to the same event or decision.  I find it important to pay attention to the practical aspects of what I'm sensing--what I believe I am supposed to do--as well as the more abstract things--how do I feel about this, and what fear do I have.  

The misplaced expectation comes with an anxiety, a tension, a fear that my hope will be dashed if it proves false.  Sometimes, like this particular time, it came with a sense that I had to get to that meeting to make this thing happen, that is to say, bring the relief I wanted so badly.

But here's the catch: I realized I had deformed the real thing by adding the expectation.  When I realize I have made a mistake like this, I have to go back to the point where I felt the strong sense that this timing would be significant, the substance of the 'strong sense' was only that something significant would happen and it seemed like it might be related to my job.  

Back to the song, and the power point with the man in the picture with the broken paper chain at his wrists. . . it felt like God was showing me He needed to own the paper chain--the expectations, and the timeline--and I wanted Him to own the paper chain.  I didn't want my expectations to own me anymore.

At the end of July--I don't remember the exact day--I got a response from the professional meeting that my project had been rejected.  I was devastated.  How will my relief come now?  There really was no foreseeable reason for me to attend the meeting.  I cancelled my plans.  I asked a friend to pray for me.  As we customarily do when we pray for each other, this friend told me later on that when he prayed he felt like God gave him "45 days" for me.  He counted out the 45 days and the 45th day was September 13.  He told me that he believed that day would be significant for me--that something would happen on September 13 which would impact me in a big way.  He also said that he didn't know that I would be aware of these events on September 13, but that later on someone would say "and 'this' happened on September 13" and then I would know that this was God moving something along for me.

So, I took down my paper chain.

This is number 2 in a series of stories about the events of the last year.  If you would like to start at the beginning, go back and read about The Five Years. . . or go to the next one: Florida-phobia.