Thursday, August 12, 2010

30th Birthday part two...

At Mrs. O's request, here's part two of the birthday bomb.  This should tell you how sweet she is to me: she says that some of the best things have come from that birthday disaster and she thinks I should write about the good things as well.  So, here's what happened in the days following her 30th birthday.

For starters, things were a little chilly in our house for a couple of days.  Mrs. O. was trying her level best to just brush it off.  She admitted having some expectations and was trying to convince me, and herself, that she was ok.  I didn't need to make up for it.  She was not upset.  I didn't believe her.  She was hurt.  Not angry, but hurt.  I could feel it.

After a couple of days, I asked her to talk to me about it.  It was killing me.  She agreed to talk.  I told her that I knew how foolish I had been.  I mean, I could have called my boss the day before and told him that I needed to leave at a certain time to make it to Mrs. O's 30th birthday dinner.  He gives family top priority.  I KNOW he would have agreed to cover for me and let me go...if I had let him know that I needed it.  It wouldn't have been that difficult.  I just didn't think of that. 

Mrs. O. started talking about how she felt.  It wasn't that she was expecting a hullaballoo about her birthday.  We had already had our 30th birthday bash at Chuck E. Cheese's.  I had given her a gift and she loved it.  But there were a few small things that put together made her feel like an after-thought.  Being late.  Being unprepared: no cake, no ice cream.  Leaving her to eat left-over meatloaf when the only thing she wanted on her birthday was to not make dinner.  She felt like she wasn't a priority.  I hadn't even thought of that.

So, I told her that I wanted to start doing things that would keep her from feeling like an after-thought.  She told me she knew that she was not, in fact, an after-thought, and that I couldn't really fix it.  I shouldn't try.  She wasn't trying to punish me.  But, that's not my point.  I realize that her one and only 30th birthday is gone.  I can't change it.  I can't take it back.  There will be no 'take-two' or 'do-overs.'  But...and this is a big but(t)..hee hee.  I don't want her to feel like an after-thought.  I want her to feel like the desirable lover and friend that she is.  I want to be in constant pursuit of her, even though I have already won her heart.  I want to think of that...of her.

So, I asked for a treaty.  Here are the terms: I will not try to make it up to her...that would only serve to minimize my fault.  I am going to name it and claim it.  I failed.  It was completly my fault.  She will agree that if when I do things differently in the future she will trust that I am not trying to make amends for past failures.  I am trying to prevent future ones.  That my efforts are not to minimize the past mistake(s), but that my goal is genuine change of habit to eliminate the possibility of repeating them.  I want to think of that.  She agreed.

So, to start, I'm practicing the art of gift giving.  Letters in the mail: weekly or biweekly.   Letters that I write from work on a regular basis.  I've been pretty regular at that over the past year.  Sometimes just two sentences.  Sometimes two pages.  Flowers: once in a while.  Shower gel from her favorite purveyor of all things girly and fragrant: occasionally.  And chocolate: as needed. 

Note to self: think of that.

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